Last Thoughts On 2008

Update: This was meant to be posted New Year's Eve, but apparently didn't make it out of the draft folder, which is unfortunate. In any event, a few days later, the sentiment remains the same.

Well, at long last, 2008 is wheezing it's last dreadful breaths. I touched a bit on 2008 in the post before my birthday, so I don't know that I feel any inclination to go back into any of that. Instead of recounting 2008 as an annotated list of best records, worst moments, and greatest blessings, I think that I will share a little ritual that a friend is engaging in this New Year's Eve.

Take two pieces of paper, and, on the first, write down a list of your mistakes of 2008 (Think you haven't made any? You have.); on the second piece of paper write out your goals for the coming year. The first piece of paper, this catalog of your mistakes and missteps, fold in half and cast into the ocean, a river, or a creek. Any body of water really; this is the act of releasing your errors and regrets, thus enabling you to move forward.

Now take the second piece of paper, the one that sets out what you hope to accomplish in the coming year, fold it in half, and set it alight. Let it burn to embers, and know that you have just ignited your goals, and created a metaphorical jumping off point for their accomplishment. You're free now to move into the New Year with a hand at your back, and without the hindrance of the past holding you back or bogging you down. January First may just be another date, another day on the calendar, but it is symbolic nonetheless. It can be the clean slate that so many of us want and need so badly; whatever you need to make the changes that you've been making excuses not to. Take it, run with it; it's a rare gift in a life full of debits.

Thus far, I can say that I am wholly satisfied with these last hours of 2008. I took the dog on a five mile hike into the mountains outside of Pasadena; following two and a half miles of switchbacks, and an eighteen hundred plus foot elevation gain, we ended at the ruins of a hotel that burned at the turn of the century. We looked out over the valley, a late afternoon marine layer settling in, and I thought about how wonderful it was to be alive, breathing and existing, regardless of how messy the transitory may become. This evening I spent with family; eating food, talking music, science, tv, and tech, and playing board games before we all watched the ball drop in NYC. If this last day of 2008 is any indication of the 2009 to come, I'm ready to welcome it and embrace what I have every intention of making into a wonderful year full of possibility and wonder.

That Smiths Reunion Business? Not So Much.

Well There you go. Per an article on NME.com yesterday, Johnny Marr officially squelched the latest round of Smiths reunion rumors.

Marr issued a statement to NME.COM saying that rumours floating around that the band were reuniting were "untrue". He declared: "The stories circulating about a Smiths reunion are, as usual, untrue."

So, again, there you go. It's unfortunate, but I tend to have mixed emotions about any reunion tour. Sometimes it's best to just leave things as they were, and if that means being sad that you were too young to have ever seen The Smiths play, well then, so be it. I don't doubt that they would have done a magnificent job, but you never know.

Anyway, Johnny is likely a little busy right now, what with Modest Mouse, The Cribs, lecturing at Uni in Manchester, and appearing in the latest (to be released) Harry Potter film.

OMG The Smiths May Be Reuniting!!!!

Amazing. Spectacular. Transcendent. The Smiths. Reunited. Soon???

There has been one band that has managed to not jump on the reunion bandwagon that got to rolling over the past several years, and it is The Smiths. Rumors have circulated recently that there was a very generous offer were they to stage a reunion at this year's Coachella festival, and it appears that those rumors may be closer to reality than previously believed.

I've had the opportunity to see Morrissey twice in the past ten years (good lord!), and he trotted out a few Smiths covers, but that was the closest that I believed that I would come to seeing the actual Smiths. The Smiths, dear Lord, The Smiths!!!

Time will tell, but hopes are high that reconciliation and hundreds of millions of dollars will bring The Smiths back onto the stage. The real question is whether or not Andy Joyce and Mickey Rourke will be involved, as they were considered merely session players, and proved themselves to be terribly litigious. Either way, with or without them, I will be there, and sixteen year old Dakin will be thrilled.

Really Antony, Really??

Antony and the Johnsons are touring (collective yay!). They are, however, not coming to Los Angeles, and are planning a trip to Seattle. Oh wicked, fate, what is this terrible joke?

There appears to be time enough on the schedule to slip in an LA date, though not if it's after San Francisco, as that would entail some backtracking. Fine, whatever, so be it. I missed them in Portland playing with a symphony, and I missed them playing a tiny theatre down the street from my last apartment (with Devendra Banhart and Coco Rosie!), and I suppose that I will just resign myself to missing them again. Or not. There are such modes of transportation (aircraft!) that can take you long distances in a brief period of time, so we shall see.

Still though, really? Really?

Tour dates below, and via Pitchfork. In other news, the new LP The Crying Light drops 01/20 via Secretly Canadian, which, while cold comfort, is a happy thing indeed.

02-02 Glenside, PA - Keswick Theatre
02-03 Washington, DC - Sixth & I Historic Synagogue
02-04 Columbus, OH - Southern Theatre
02-07 Knoxville, TN - Big Ears Festival
02-08 Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
02-12 Chicago, IL - Vic Theatre
02-13 Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theater
02-14 Minneapolis, MN - Pantages Theatre
02-17 Toronto, Ontario - Queen Elizabeth Theatre
02-19 New York, NY - Town Hall
02-20 New York, NY - Town Hall
02-22 Boston, MA - Berklee Performance Center
02-24 San Francisco, CA - Nob Hill Masonic Center (Noise Pop)
02-27 Vancouver, British Columbia - Vogue Theatre
02-28 Seattle, WA - Moore Theatre

Oh Hi There; How About Some More Reflection?

Sometimes endings are beginnings, and obviously the reverse is also true. Los Angeles is wonderful, and I'm beginning to understand that there are some things that I've left behind in Seattle that I will have to let go of to move forward. If I don't, and don't do so actively, I will be captured in some sort of awful stasis; unable to move forward, and equally unable to move backwards. In short, there are people and emotions that must be released in order to avoid stagnation. It's wonderful to have people in your life that you love, that you would lay down your life for, but it's not healthy to live your life for them. We've all been the one left behind, waving at the U-Haul as our friends journey into their own lives (and likely we've all driven a few U-Hauls), but it's not healthy or good to hold on too tightly. There are relationships that we have forged that will carry us through our entire lives. People we have met who will hold us up and inspire us, and we will do so in kind; however there are others who may have made significant impacts that we must allow to simply dissipate. We must allow them the freedom to continue their own journeys as freely as we travel ours without hindrance or expectation; it was great while it lasted, but these partings, these partings they are inevitable.

Everyone that you know, that I know, that we know, we will lose someday. We will lose some of them to circumstance, to distance, to death; but we will lose them all. You will bury your parents, your best friend, your partner; or they will bury you. It is an immutable and unavoidable fact of life. It is something that we can't escape. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces, just reflecting on all of it, but at the same time, it makes it all so ridiculously beautiful. We have each other for such a short time, and there's so much that can be taken and learned and held and be wondered at. It's okay to let go, as long as we are conscious of what it is that we held on to to begin with.

I hope that you're reading; all of you.

Yup, Still Thinking About Those Civil Rights

Getting settled in Los Angeles, and proper updates are on the way, but I did want to post what I feel is a very eloquent dissection of civil unions vs marriage.



And while we're at it, the amazing "Prop 8 The Musical". Is it possible to like Neil Patrick Harris even more than we already do? (Dr. Horrible, anyone?)

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

And Off We Go.

I checked my horoscope for today, and found the following. Well there you go. Currently it's 8am, and I leave within the hour. Due to a slight change of plans, I will be making this journey entirely on my own; a prospect that is both thrilling and saddening. I love you all, and I will see you (some of you) soon.

::Libra::
For December 2: You're still examining the upside and downside of making a major move. This change would undoubtedly impact your work, family life and housing situation. Deep in your heart, you feel a powerful urge to wander and explore something exotic, new and ultra stimulating. Sure, there are risks - and many of your friends or family members may not understand why you're even considering this big adventure. Before the end of the week, most of them will. There's a big part of you that needs, needs, needs more romance and beauty in your life. If that's in short supply right now, what have you got to lose?

Packed and Ready to Go... Soon.

Well. Everything is packed. Everything has been put into storage, or into the trunk and the back seat of my car. Last night I slept barely four hours, waking myself with the fear that I would somehow oversleep my alarm and miss the truck pick up. Of course, this was not the case, and I made two car loads to storage, as well as a much needed coffee run before I underwent the tortuous experience of being rented a truck by someone who was "sorry, but I've never done this before".

The truck was filled without incident, and unloaded in the same manner; my friend Kevin had to head home for a computer problem for twenty minutes, and I was left alone to organize the mess of belongings that we had thus far stuffed into my 10x15 space. As I sorted the boxes, chairs, and paintings, I had a sudden moment of clarity; What the hell am I doing??

Suddenly the past few weeks of preparation were snapped into focus, and I realized that I was going to exist for the next several months with only the things that I could carry (or, as is more accurate, the things that fit into my car). Also suddenly obvious was the realization that these things that seemed so, so, minimal also constituted a large amount of stuff. The idea of being footloose and fancy free is a terribly romantic notion that I have bought into wholeheartedly, but really? I thought that it would all fit comfortably into my trunk. Not so, as I learned this evening. Close, but not so much.

Still though, as it stands presently, my keys are limited to the car key, the key to the storage lock, and, for the next two days, a shared key to my friend Becky's apartment. Inspiring? Yes. Overwhelming? Most definitely. Regardless, even if this is only for the short term, I hope to learn and gain so, so much more than were I to stay through another grey winter. As it is tonight, the fog has crept in, you can barely see past half a block on Queen Anne hill, and I am remarkably cozy. In three days though? Seventy five degrees and beaches. In three months? Who knows, though I am open to receive it, whatever it is.

Late Night Maudlin Street :: Recylced

I wrote this during the move from Honolulu to Seattle, little over a year ago. All of the below still rings true, and I sit, beer in hand, in my packed apartment, listening to the track in question. This song has broken my heart from the age of 15 on, and I can't imagine eulogizing a home, a life, left behind without it. Now, though while I move onward from Seattle to Los Angeles --even for the time being -- many of the same emotions come into play. The loss, the longing, the hope, and the expectation. Everything has changed, even if, on the surface, very little has.

Tonight, well, last night if we’re to be totally honest, I was to start packing. As has been expressed in a previous post, I am in the middle of Tremendous Life Change. I am moving as much as I can afford of my current life in Hawaii back to what could be said to be my old life, but is really my new life, in Seattle.

Yesterday, I turned thirty two. Thirty was spent in the middle of a hectic move to Hawaii, a move that was even more hectic because I allowed my then partner to shoulder all of the responsibility in getting us here. Sure, I helped, but not as much as I could or should have. Part of it was that I was resistant to change, and, even at the cusp of thirty, acting the part of a spoiled child. This time is different. This time I have only myself to answer to (because who wants to be in a relationship with a spoiled child? Exactly.), and must handle things differently.

Jamie suggested that I take some time out of the packing to do a post about Music for Packing, which, really, truth be told, is Music For Leaving. Because I am. I am leaving; I am leaving my partner of more than four years (who, in the spirit of our new found honesty left me), I am leaving friends, I am leaving an established career; I am choosing not to live my life for other people.

We could be clever. We could bluster about how we moved neighborhoods in Seattle in a Darvocet and Percocet haze to Les Savy Fav serenading us with “We’ve Got Boxes”. We could laugh when we remember the move from Kansas to Seattle, marking the miles with Modest Mouse and “A Life Of Arctic Sounds”, because, don’t you know, five hundred miles is a long way to go inside a car? (And don’t you know, once we got there, we pined away the nights with “Busby Berkely Dreams” by the Magnetic Fields?) But let’s not. Let’s share a beer and continue to be honest. Lets talk about “Late Night Maudlin Street” by Morrissey.

This song, oh, this song. This song, off Morrissey’s first solo effort Viva Hate, all the way back in 1988, is the song that for years has eulogized our passing from one physical space to the next. There has not been a move in recent memory that has not entailed sitting in the middle of the floor with a beer and Morrissey’s sad, sad lament about changing house drifting through speakers. I am moving house, a half life disappears today... It captures the ache and promise of new beginnings so perfectly. It is the ache of lost love, of a life that you’ve left behind; it was, is, and will always be, to me, perfect.

The rain pours down at the back of the Nu’uanu valley, where I currently live -- teasing me with the promise of a dark and potentially lonely winter in the Northwest. I’m drinking a beer, sitting at my computer, and listening to “Late Night Maudlin Street”, over and over, so many times that it’s embarrassing. It is, however, like a friend’s arm around your shoulder, fingers pressed into your bicep, and promising that everything really will be okay.

Oh, truly I do love you...

One More Thought On Loss

Today as I was putting things into storage and rushing around with preparations for the impending move, I was reminded of a quote that sums up what I think that I may have been somewhat trying to convey in the last post. It comes from the play Angels In America, and was spoken by the character Harper.

"Nothing's lost forever. In this world there is a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think so" -- Tony Kushner

And it's true; it was this painful progress that I was attempting to speak to in my last post. However, when I remembered the quote, I remembered the last line as "I hope so", which made it so much more poignant to me. Yes of course we hope so, but honestly, I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is that I hope to be so. For the time being, I suppose that Hope will be my blanket; Hope will be what carries me (though indeed, it carries all of us) through however much longer I may feel that I need to be carried. Hope is redemptive, and is a close cousin of Faith, though perhaps a more wistful and less certain cousin. Faith is Certainty, while Hope is the middle ground between Certainty and Dreams. Hope is what, along with Faith, keeps us going from day to day.

Regardless of what you may fear that you've lost, or are losing, you can only hope that you will reconcile this with what you may gain, whatever that is. It is not yet even 5pm, and Seattle is nearly completely dark, bundled in it's own blanket of mist, so much so that I can barely see the Space Needle from my window; just an illuminated outline with the not yet completed Christmas lights atop the spire. In light of all of the transition and change in my life, I am refreshingly less cynical than any time in recent memory. Bundled in Hope, I'm ready to move forward into the future, whatever it may be.